Written by Dave Henry

Sunday, 24 June 2018

image for Valedictorian Tells Graduates They’re All Doomed
These students hope to attend a college that has chairs.

At the Grover Washington Jr. high school graduation ceremony, the valedictorian was brutally honest with her classmates, telling them how the deck is stacked against them and they're doomed.

“Let’s not get too carried away here,” Alicia McBride, the class of 2018 valedictorian told her classmates. “We’ve all accomplished the bare minimum in life. Society made us go to school for 13 years and we went. Now here we are. What happens next will determine who we are and what impact we have in this world.”

She then went on to make some predictions.

“Let’s be honest, most of you will fail miserably at life. Roughly one third of you won’t amount to anything because you’re too stupid. Another 20 percent will get hooked on opioids and ruin your lives.”

“Another third of you will go on to college and get decent jobs, have families, but your lives will be miserable because you have to work too hard to make ends meet. You will be stressed and probably get divorced. And your kids will hate you because you’re never around and when you are you’re bitter and stressed.”

“Then about 4 percent of you will die young, either from cancer, gun violence, or some kind of horrible accident and that just sucks but it’s just a fact,” McBride added.

“Roughly 9 percent of you will be very successful but you will be raging A-holes who became successful by using and abusing people. Everyone will hate you as you are a stain on society but you will make money. While you will have wealth and power, you won’t be able to enjoy it because you can’t ever escape the jerk you are.”

“And finally, 1 percent of you will live happy, productive lives. You will make the world a better place by your presence.”

“So, to that 1 percent I say, reach for the stars! The sky is the limit!”

“To the rest I say, enjoy those fleeting moments of happiness because they won’t last. Because otherwise you are doomed.”

“Go Tigers!”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Graduation

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