Another nation wide e coli outbreak has been announced throughout the United States. Fortunately, this one was linked to brussels sprouts, sometimes referred to as "asparagus testicles".
Suckly Farms of Idaho announced the outbreak, once the illness causing bacteria was detected in one of their packing factories. Otherwise, nobody would have realized it happened, since nobody eats those awful things.
There were initially 4 reported cases of illness linked to brussels sprouts, but they were all later debunked. Two of the reports were attributed to kids who were trying to convince their parents that they actually ate the brussels sprouts they tried to feed them. One other was uncovered to be a ploy by a male coworker who tried to cover up his hangover and impress a known vegan female in his office by attributing his puking to eating the contaminated sprouts. The final case ended up being the result of someone eating raw sewage that they had mistaken for brussels sprouts, since they both look and smell like crap.
Public health officials declared a communal sigh of relief, and stated their hope that all future food contamination happens to brussels sprouts, so that people stop eating these "disgusting little balls of vomit."