Professor Can't Be Fired For Insensitive Comments On Pokemon Deaths

Funny story written by XRhonda Speaks

Tuesday, 12 July 2016

image for Professor Can't Be Fired For Insensitive Comments On Pokemon Deaths
A KSU professor is under fire for saying the deaths attributed to Pokemon Go will help rid the gene pool of stupid people.

A Kent State University professor of philosophy who is an admitted Luddite when it comes to tech and gadgets, told students that he thought the Pokemon craze was a great way to "winnow the herd" and that the more people who play the game while walking and driving the streets "the more we're going to rid the gene pool of the really stupid people."

Professor Terence Graybill's rant was recorded by a student and it went viral after she posted it to her blog. The professor was reacting to the 1,237 deaths and accidents the first weekend the game was released, deaths that police are already attributing to inattention by people playing the game.

Professor Graybill had his own near miss with Pokemon players while he was driving home from dinner the first weekend the game was released. The professor was so annoyed with the careless drivers and pedestrians that he encountered, that on Monday he had his students compile any news stories that attributed deaths to people playing Pokemon Go.

The shocking tally was 1,237 people killed and 4 suicides nation wide the first three days after the game was released. Most deaths were accidents but some of the more bizarre incidents were fodder for the Professor's Tuesday rant in his philosophy class.

Player Shot
One Pokemon player was shot and killed on a Denver, Colorado homeowner's roof when he climbed on the roof to retrieve a virtual Pokemon placed in the man's house.

Homeowner Ed Kazinske shot Steve Martinez also of Denver when Martinez apparently sat on the skylight. Martinez then fell through the skylight and was likely dead on impact according to the police report.

Kazinske claims he thought Martinez was trying to break in and won't face charges for the shooting, but police found a trove of stolen items, including 39 car stereos in the man's house. Denver Police now expect to charge Kazinske with receiving stolen property.

Car Hit By Train, Silo Fire
In Amarillo, Texas, a 52 year old man and his two passengers were killed when they drove into the path of on oncoming train. Friends and witnesses said several cars were racing to a spot where they could catch an exotic Pokemon when Bear Fitzsimmons failed to stop for the oncoming train at a crossing.

The crash ignited a propane car which quickly spread to a grain silo, two fire fighters were injured putting out the blaze.

Tourist Dies Of Exposure
Nami Tomimoto of Osaka, Japan died of exposure in the Santa Fe National Forest when she tried to hike to an alpine lake where more Poke-Stops and Pokemon are supposed to be stashed. Tomimoto was unfamiliar with the area and the night conditions above 10,000 feet and was simply unprepared according to Mountain Emergency Rescue volunteers who recovered the woman's body.

3 Dead At Popular 5.11 Climbing Wall In Utah
Famed climber Shandra Tyler retrieved a rare Medicine Pokemon in Utah that was accessible by a two hour experts only climb. The same day three inexperienced climbers had lost their lives attempting the same climb.

BLM officials declined to name the location for fear of more Pokemon players being lured to their deaths, but noted that the area is temporarily blocked to car traffic leaving a 10 mile hike to deter any but the hardiest of athletes from even approaching the climb.

Popular Professor Can't Be Fired Anyway
Many in the community are calling for the Professor's firing after his bombastic remarks, but it seems unlikely to happen as Professor Graybill is wildly popular with students and the KSU Administration alike.

A practicing capitalist, Graybill has made millions in real estate investments, but he espouses Buddhist, socialist and communist positions frequently in his lectures and rants that often go viral.

That's not to say that there hasn't been backlash to his applauding the deaths of Pokemon players: Professor Graybill's house is now under 24/7 security as Pokemon players have made his house a gym for training Pokemon. Graybill has also been receiving death threats and harassing phone calls at his home.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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