BILLINGSGATE POST: In Mendocino County, where even the cops grow marijuana to supplement their income, water has become a commodity that decides whether you make it or not in the World of Bud. In this dog-eat-dog industry, the fight for water has pitted neighbor against neighbor, father against son; and in some cases, mothers against drunks. Virtually ever device capable of sucking this life-giving liquid has been utilized, some more ingenious than others.
So why is this so important? A compatriot and business partner of mine, Cleotus Erlebeck, just back from a sabbatical in the Galapagos Islands, thought he had seen everything. Having spent the past ten years training bats to drop guano in collection bins for easier harvest, Cleotus read about the water shortage in California and decided to put his mind to solving the problem. Having received a Mechanical Engineering degree from LaFontaine College where I received my 12 Doctorates, he was a driven man.
Although he didn't invent the penis pump, he had read about them. The fact that it worked so quietly that a judge surreptitiously used one to relieve himself of vital juices during a boring trial, convinced him that it could also be utilized to suck water from a neighbor's source without the poor bastard knowing what was happening.
With that, he cornered the penis pump market in Mendocino County and is now talking to Governor Moonbeam about using these devices to pump water from the Delta down to Los Angeles without anyone in Northern California having an inkling. More importantly, he has trained the smelt to stay away from these devices for religious reasons; thus in one bundle, saving both smelt souls and Southern California assholes.
Thank you! Cleotus. You are an inspiration to all of us.
