Large robot army planning to eliminate mankind will likely fail due to some plot contrivance

Funny story written by StubbornGorilla

Friday, 24 April 2015

image for Large robot army planning to eliminate mankind will likely fail due to some plot contrivance
"I will destroy your public restroom facility, but your pet gerbil will probably be OK."

An army of hive minded killer robots have their work cut out for them as they plan to wipe humanity off the face of the earth. Early reports suggest that although they far outnumber any potential human resistance their chances of succeeding appear to be slim to none.

Professor Henry Pym was asked to evaluate humanity's chances of survival. He predicted that "we have about a 110% chance of declaring victory over the robot menace." Pym elaborated, "I hate to sound overconfident, but these things never work."

History does support Dr. Pym's expert opinion. In the past alien invasions, demigods, transforming robots, world engines, elite Nazi subsidiaries masquerading as national security apparatuses and a number of other seemingly world threatening attacks on humanity have all failed to achieve their intended result.

"It all comes down to planning and execution," explained special agent Clive Reston. "All of these would-be world conquerors always seem to leave that little margin for error that upends their ultimate goals."

"Although, massive property destruction can usually be expected, civilian casualties and long-term consequences are usually kept to a minimum." added Ann-Marie Hoag, super-disaster clean-up specialist.

Asked how such little consequence could result from so much rampant destruction, Lenny Balinger, a search and rescue expert explained, "part of it is that we are very good at our jobs. Also, after about the tenth time you save New York from destruction the procedure is pretty much a formality."

In regard to collateral damage Mac Porter, CEO of DC Industries, Inc. explained, "These nuisances have an incredible knack for ripping apart buildings without actually hurting too many people. I don't know if it is bad luck or just incompetence, but most of these attacks result in a bit of a headache for commuters for a couple days, and that's about it."

"We've seen this all dozens of times before, "Dr Pym explained. "All of the data indicates that the end result of this robot invasion is very likely to be similar to every other invasion attempt we've encountered. I wouldn't worry about it too much."

Asked if there is any chance that the robots might prevail probability expert William Kaplan explained, "We have a scenario where the end result is the same 100% of the time. Statistics do not get much more definitive than that. If the same thing always happens why would this event be any different?"

The only advice that was offered by an anonymous source was, "don't waste your money" and "wait for it on demand."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more