Big Bang Theory Challenged By Grade School Student

Funny story written by Buck E Filbert

Sunday, 15 March 2015

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Just hanging in the local group

A fifth grader named Byron Shuddlemayer has come up with his own theory about the origins of the universe. He calls his theory, The Big Squirt. The current popular belief is everything in the universe was created by an explosion of matter of infinite density and temperature, the universe was miraculously made from nothing into something.

Byron has his own theory of the origins of the universe, "you can't get something from nothing, just like energy can't be lost it's just transformed you have to have something to make something, it's just common sense." according to Byron

The 5th grader believes black holes give birth to multiple universes. His theory is that once the singularity deep in the gravity well of a black hole reaches critical mass and goes catastrophic from eating everything in it's path over billions of years, it tears a rift in the fabric of space and time tearing into sub space. Once that rift is established all the matter and dark matter and energy the black hole has collected squirts into sub space like detergent out of a dish washing soap bottle. Voila the birth of a universe. He goes on to theorize that it may take the combined efforts of two massive black holes that merge together when galaxies collide to reach the density required for critical mass.

"I'm not experienced enough to do the math on such a intense mathematical equation yet but I'm studying astrophysics and I'm hoping to have a paper with all the facts and figures on this theory before I go into Jr High" said Byron, "there are billions of universes out there and I'm going to prove it".

When we asked who his inspiration is he said, "Giordano Bruno, he was the 16th century astrologer who believed the earth went around the sun, it was a gut instinct for him, he didn't have telescopes to prove it but he knew it, the church burned him alive because of his beliefs".

We asked if he had any other theories on the universe he said, "it's possible we're actually just a simulation running on some kids computer in his bedroom and we better hope his parents keep the electricity bill paid".


From beautiful Sunset and Vine in Hollywood California 90028

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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