Beavers Terrorize Subdivision-Scientists Fear It May Be Super Beaver

Funny story written by King David

Saturday, 25 November 2006

image for Beavers Terrorize Subdivision-Scientists Fear It May Be Super Beaver
Don't look at me

RALEIGH - In a scene right out of Hitchcock's "The Birds," Orwell's Animal Farm, or the movie "Caddyshack," a north Raleigh man complained today that beavers will not leave his trees alone. Toursaton Wilhelm, since buying his property in the North Shore development, has had trouble deterring the buck-toothed varmints and has tried everything from traps and poison to shooting them and wire mesh around the trees.

"I've lost five good-sized Oaks," he said. "And they've started in on my house."

Scientists say that they think that it may be a case of "Super Beaver."

The problem of "Super Beaver" is growing in the United States. We have taken these animal's habitats away at such an alarming rate over the last century, that they have had nowhere else to go, so they learn very cleverly to adapt in our own environment.

It's sort of what happened back in the 60's and 70's as farmers were spraying their fields with DDT. It gradually took larger amounts of the pesticide to kill the same amount of bugs because so many of them developed resistance to certain levels of pesticide. In short, we were giving all the bugs vaccinations against the pesticide when they were not killed by the first dose.

Mr. Wilhelm reports that he has been out in the yard working on several occasions and has heard loud sounds like gun shots ring out. But it was only the beavers smacking their tails down on the water to intimidate him.

"They also seem to know if I am going to be away from the house," he says. "It's as if they are watching me. I think they are very organized and have my phone lines tapped too."

Wilhelm is hopeful that having a neighbor starting a new rock band next door might deter the beavers. He is also considering building an outhouse in the backyard to make the experience as unpleasant as possible for beavers in his yard.

Other than amusing family members with beaver stories, Wilhelm is also starting up a political action group called SHAB (Subdivision Homeowners Against Beavers) and hopes to lobby for legislation protecting homeowners from beaver harassment when the session reconvens in January.

In other news today, a rat was found swimming in the toilet bowl of a North Raleigh resident. This has been an ongoing problem for north Raleigh residents as rats have entered the sewage system through cracks in the new pipes. Authorities fear having to dig up the pipes and make repairs on the line.

In other news today, the movie "Willard" has been released on DVD format.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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