Prostitutes Run Clear out of Midwestern Town

Funny story written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw

Monday, 19 May 2014

A Montana town has taken a novel approach to curbing street prostitution, with great success.

At a press conference yesterday, Lambton mayor Ramsey Mouton explained: "We used to be a quiet farming town. The biggest factory here was the woollen mill, and street crime was practically unknown. Then, the Frackingstein Corporation discovered a huge gas deposit in the shale under our feet. We welcomed the influx of money, machinery, and out-of-state workers, but weren't too thrilled when drug dealers and crack whores--smelling opportunity, no doubt--followed on the heels of the bonanza."

His new sheriff, Rusty Shears, continued: "Instead o' roundin' up all them whores, I reckoned I could run 'em out o' town. No need for tar or feathers or nothin' like that. Free market forces work just fine."

Mouton elaborated: "We started encouraging local ranchers to let their sheep graze in town, on the baseball diamond and golf course, on the roadsides, in public parks, pretty much anywhere that we used to have to pay our crews to cut the grass. Locals are still pretty down to earth and true to their humble farm-country roots. They're not about to pay for a whore when a sheep will put out for free."

Later that day, on the municipal golf links, local scum Buster Ewing heartily endorsed the town's new policy. "Hell, yeah," he said. "The sheep look and smell better than the crack ho's, and make more intelligent conversation to boot. Plus, with the money I save, I can buy me a twelve-pack of beer and a Play Goy magazine."

Meanwhile, down at the local Gayhound terminal, local crack ho Dusty Saks discussed her plans for the future: "What with a new sheriff in town, I can't make an honest livin' here no more. I'll have to head to the big city and get me a telemarketing job or somethin'. It really hurts my pride, but what else can I do?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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