Sharper Minds In Elders Generated By Military Video Games

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Thursday, 5 December 2013


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Recent research shows that short- term memory and long term focus in older adults can be enhanced by participation in military video games involving blood and slaughter. Killing people in the videos must be accomplished in the space of two or three seconds. This involves multitasking and intense concentration on the part of the senior participants.

"I've never felt so mentally sharp, it's wonderful to face the challenge of butchering other human beings, " said an elderly man at an Orange County, CA senior center after playing one of the war video games. The war game, "U.S. Empire Command and Conquer" is one of many military video games available at the center.

The stimulation of older brains by homicidal activity provided by the videos leads to positive results according to George P. Savage, M.D. Dr. Savage researched senior's response to the games after returning from Guantanamo Bay where he consulted with the U.S. military on torture techniques of the inmates.

Savage stated that his research indicated that, in addition to brain stimulation, seniors who repeatedly played the video war games "presented desensitization to moral values."

"Not having an ethical frame of reference is a good thing for seniors because it reduces stress. And, of course, that increases memory function," stated the doctor.

Dr. Savage hypothesized that continued use of video war games would probably turn seniors into sociopaths.

"That's a good thing because not having any scruples means a more relaxed existence.
I think it will prolong seniors' lives. What's more, I think that not being inhibited in anti-social behavior will probably lead to aggressive advances toward the opposite sex. A good sex life for seniors also reduces stress and lengthens one's life span. So, participating in the carnage of war games is extremely beneficial."

Several branches of the U.S. military, which use videos involving the killing of enemy forces to recruit teenagers into the U.S. armed forces, are now making them available to senior recreation centers around the country.

Sgt. Ennis Slaughter, who is an army recruiter, when contacted by this reporter, spoke about the videogames:

"Videos aid in recruiting young people into the military. Many teenagers are impulsive and violent by nature and the games reinforce these tendencies. They like killing the bad guys and blowing things up in the videos. But some want action in the real world, so they are motivated to join the army and fight for the U.S. Empire."

He continued, "But seniors must not be excluded from doing their patriotic duty during this time endless war. Elder minds, made sharper by vicarious participation in war, which is provided by video games, can be utilized by the fatherland to promote the values of our national security state."

Perhaps Sheldon Ross, at the Palm Beach Center For Seniors best summed up seniors' reaction to their participation in the military video games.

"I never felt so alive as when I saw all of those dead people that I killed on the video screens," he said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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