IRS Rules Out Misspeaking on Tax Returns

Funny story written by G. Brookings

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

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Official Obama Handbook of Euphemism and Sententia

In the wake of the recent NY Times editorial and a host of government officials insisting that the President "misspoke" on twenty nine separate occasions when he said, "If you like your health plan you can keep it, period, no matter what, end of sentence," the Administration issued a clarification today on behalf of all federal agencies warning that it is not acceptable for Americans to "misspeak" when dealing with federal government agencies. The warning came about as ordinary citizens have begun to invoke "misspeaking" as a defense in a variety of cases involving tax fraud (misspeaking one's income and deductions), perjury (misspeaking under oath), false representation (misspeaking one's identity), and bigamy (misspeaking one's marital status).

Attempting to clarify what seems a double standard to many Americans, lawyers for the Department of Truth explained that the difference between lying and misspeaking lies in the intent. "If you misspeak regarding your income in order to reduce your taxes and derive a direct and selfish benefit from said misspeaking, that is tax fraud and will be prosecuted. But when the effect of misspeaking is to advance the greater good, for example, raising taxes on the rich, preventing Americans from buying substandard medical policies, or in general advancing the progressive agenda of the president, then it is permissible."

In a subsequent press briefing, Presidential Apologist Jay Carney explained that "ordinary" Americans - a category that includes most conservatives - should avoid attempting to use the "greater good" exception to the ban on misspeaking. "This is a tactic better left to the professional misspeakers like the President," he argued. "It takes years of practice to misspeak safely."

In response to a hostile question from Fox news, arguing that misspeaking was just a euphemism for lying, Carney pointed to a related announcement by the Administration's Department of Euphemism and Sententia updating acceptable euphemisms for the word "misspeak" and explicitly excluding the words lie, fib, glitch, obfuscate, beguile, concoct, delude, dupe, con, fake, equivocate, fudge, distort and snow. "This President is the most honest and transparent in history," Carney asserted, "and he would never lie to the American people, period."

Challenged by openly skeptical reporters, citing the administration's stonewalling and evasions on a host of controversies, Carney advised them to consult with the Department of Euphemism and Sententia for the correct understanding of the terms "honest," "transparent," and "period."

Commenting on Carney's arguments in a new op-ed piece in the Washington Times, entitled, "If You Like Your Lie You Can Keep It," Mr. Limbaugh advised reporters who follow up on Mr. Carney's offer that they should also check the revised definition of the word, "weasel."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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