Written by Dominus Noster

Monday, 16 October 2006

image for Department of Veterans Affairs Secretary James Nicholson praises Donald Rumsfeld
Graph showing spike in new VA patients with more anthrax shots administered

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Secretary of the Department of Veterans Affairs James Nicholson recently held a joint press conference with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The two expressed great satisfaction with the ongoing war and the policy to resume mandatory anthrax vaccinations.

Veterans Affairs Secretary James Nicholson said that both the anthrax vaccine and a very lengthy, protracted war is good for the Department of Veterans Affairs and its employees, because it creates more disabled veterans.

"By creating more disabled veterans, demand for our bureaucracy is stimulated, ensuring an influx of new patient enrollment. In return, VA employees get more job security and more money," explained VA Secretary James Nicholson. "What the Department of Veterans Affairs really needs is a protracted war, with a lot of casualties, especially amputees," Nicholson said.

VA Secretary Nicholson revealed for the first time Department of Veterans Affairs data on the correlation between new patient enrollment at the VA and the number of anthrax shots administered. Nicholson pointed out that it would not be in the VA's interest to address problems from the anthrax vaccine, as that could curtail demand for his bureaucracy, leading to less patients, and less money and job security for VA employees.

"By resuming mandatory anthrax vaccinations, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld is showing what a friend he is to the Department of Veterans Affairs. We need more disabled veterans, and this policy will ensure that happens," explained VA Secretary James Nicholson.

"In the years following the Vietnam War, the Department of Veterans Affairs experienced somewhat of a lull in new patient enrollment. The war in Iraq comes as a welcome event for Department of Veterans Affairs employees," said VA Secretary James Nicholson.

VA Secretary Nicholson spoke about two new organizations being launched by VA employees. One of them is a pro-war organization, called VA Employees for a No-Win, Never-Ending War. Another one is VA Employees for Human Experimentation on Military Service Members and Mandatory Anthrax Vaccines.

VA Secretary Nicholson said that a never-ending war with a lot of casualties is in the interest of the Department of Veterans Affairs. Secretary Nicholson finished the press conference by saying that the anthrax vaccine, the war and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld are very close friends of VA employees.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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