Ariel Castro, Found Dead in His Cell, to Serve Out His Life Sentence

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

image for Ariel Castro, Found Dead in His Cell, to Serve Out His Life Sentence

Ariel Castro apparently committed suicide on Tuesday by hanging himself.

Castro, who was sentenced to one life sentence plus 1,000 years, was convicted in August for the kidnapping, raping, and repeated beating, among 900 plus other counts, of three young women he abducted between 2002 and 2004.

Many were outraged that Castro, who was only 53, had still to serve 1,023 years, assuming an average life expectancy of 76 years for a man of his generation. Given that Castro had only served about one month of his 1,023 year sentence, prison officials at the aptly named Pickaway Correctional Institution, where Castro was being temporarily housed, said his corpse will be transferred to Ohio State Penitentiary, in Youngstown, to his new cell. Said Warden David Bobbit of Ohio State Penitentiary, "Mr. Castro will be treated no differently than any other prisoner housed here, except, of course, for his dietary needs, which are expected to be minimal."

Before Mr. Castro begins his sentence at Ohio State Penitentiary, his corpse will be sent to Orient Mortuary, near Pickaway, for mummification. A cellmate has not yet been chosen for Mr. Castro, though Warden Bobbit said he was looking for someone who likes to keep to himself.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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