Coastguard warns of armband slick

Funny story written by John_L

Thursday, 11 October 2012

image for Coastguard warns of armband slick
A boat rushes to aid slick victim.

The US Coastguard in California is warning people to beware of a large slick of yellow silicon rubber. This comes in the wake of the United States Anti-Doping Agency's damming report into Lance Armstrong.

"People are taking their yellow armbands and flinging them into the ocean in disgust." Mario Pancamo a spokesman for the USCG said is a press conference. "The armbands seem to be joining up and causing a slick. We have had to come to the rescue of over a dozen boats where the propellers were caught up in it."

The warning comes after the slick claimed it's first victim. 32 year Nate Beecher was fishing from a boat owned by his father in law when he was pulled overboard after his line became entangled in the slick. Due to the thickness of the slick he was unable to resurface.

Peter Porter of the American Geographical Society said at this mornings press conference. "The bands are not 100% rubber if they were they would disintegrate in a couple of weeks. But they are mixed with silicone which could have a devastating effect on wildlife. Already we are seeing sea birds caught up in bands but I am most worried about what will happen when the slick reaches the feeding grounds of Blue Whales. If that happens we could have an environmental catastrophe on our hands."

The reason that people are choosing to throw the bands into the ocean is thought to be due in part to the USADA report which states that on three occasions Armstrong and associates at US Postal disposed of drugs paraphernalia into the pacific after getting a tip off about testing.

Not all of the armbands are ending up in the sea a radio station in Washington had a mass Tailgate Bracelet Burn outside National's Park in DC. Hundreds of Natinals fans came to burn their bands causing large black column of smoke which could be seen up to thirty miles away. The Nationals who are playing in their first postseason since moving from Montreal declined to let the event happen inside the stadium remembering the scenes of Disco Demolition Night at Comiskey Park in 1979.

Lance Armstrong himself has not made himself available for comment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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