TAMPA, FL--As Hurricane Isaac bears down on the Sunshine State, home of the 2012 Republican National Convention, GOP activists and commentators are steadfastly maintaining that the tropical storm is not a punishment from a wrathful god for violating His laws. Observers have noted that, if this is true, then Hurricane Isaac is likely the first tropical cyclone in at least a quarter century to come into being for reasons other than divine punishment.
"While we all know that Hurricane Katrina was sent to destroy New Orleans for its wicked acceptance of sodomy, and Hurricane Irene announced God's anger over proposed reductions in military spending, we can confidently say that Hurricane Isaac is a completely normal meteorological event," read a statement from the R.N.C. "Any insinuation that its predicted path is heavenly retribution for any of our policies is unfounded. It's just a storm. Really."
"Look, God told me personally that the Haiti earthquake was retribution for their voodoo ways," said evangelical leader Pat Robertson to reporters on Friday. "But He's been totally mum about Isaac, so clearly [this storm] isn't a rejection of homophobia, sexism, torture, or preemptive war. Just because the storm will hamper our convention plans, there's nothing to be worried about. God is, and always will be, completely on board with every part of the Republican Party's platform."
"I mean, even if God did send the storm, He must have just meant to punish Florida, or to make sure they didn't go for Obama in November," said convention delegate Martin McPhee. "With all that's on [God's] plate, He probably just didn't check his calendar and see when we had our convention scheduled. He would never seriously punish His own loyal supporters."
"I mean, He wouldn't, right?" asked McPhee. "No, of course He wouldn't. No way."
God was not available for comment. Hurricane Isaac, however, told reporters that he would seriously relish the opportunity to flood out the people who won't let him and Hurricane Chris be together.