Newt Quits Race, Vows to Conquer Russia

Funny story written by Christamar Varicella

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Today Newt Gingrich dismissed his run for the US presidency as "trivial" and "not befitting my vast talents and expertise." In a long, sparsely attended press conference, the former Speaker of the House vowed "to move on to more important things, namely winning a land war in Asia."

When asked how he would finance such a venture, Gingrich reminded the press corps that he still enjoyed the backing of billionaire Sheldon Adelson and that he had "a closet full of engagement rings he could always take back to Tiffany's."

On the subject of an Asian conquest Gingrich was as passionate as his most fervent stump speech. "Napolean couldn't do it. The Germans couldn't do it. I am the only world leader who can not only hold the continent in an unbreakable iron grip, but also simultaneously open a string of dry cleaners on planet Venus."

He then thanked former Texas rabble rouser Rick Perry and the future ambassador to Ubekybekistan Herman Cain for their endorsements. The three men then posed for a photograph that may or may not be used in a Pep Boys ad.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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