WASHINGTON,DC (ABSNN) A joint session of the House and Senate approved the cancellation of the 2012 Presidential election today in favor of "Armed, one-to-one combat," to settle the thing once and for all.
"We're tired of hanging chads (W), elections decided in the Supreme Court, and the Electoral College is full of dingbats," said Harry Reid of Nevada. "So what we've decided is to let the two nominees fight three fights instead of debating. "
The first fight, according to press releases, will be held in the St. Petersburg Arena under the auspices of the World Federation of Heavy Weight Wrestling (WFHWW) inside a steel cage. It'll be a tag-team event with the veeps. Three falls out of five will determine the winner.
"Obama is small but he's wiry. Biden is big and tough. We Democrats believe we have a good chance of victory in Florida," said Senator Jay Rockefeller of West Virginia.
The under-card will feature Sarah Palin against Nancy Pelosi, in bikinis, in the mud.
The second armed battle will be with knives and bare knuckles. Romney is favored here by Republicans due to his longer reach.
"Romney will kick Obama's monkey ass," said also ran Newt Gingrich.
The third and deciding fight will be a duel to the death with fowling pieces (antique shot guns with Damascus barrels) at thirty yards.
"They will blaze away till one of em drops, and then the losing political party will be slaughtered to a man or woman on the steps of the Capitol. It'll be glorious," said Ran Paul.
Obama is in training with former heavy-weight wrestling champion Rick Flair. Romney is still searching for his penis lost somewhere in Pennsylvania but vows, "As soon as I find my penis I'll start training for the bare knuckle fight in Vegas."
We shall keep you informed, God help us.
