Written by Jon Campbell

Wednesday, 22 March 2006

image for U.S to Launch Pre-emptive Strike on Jamaica
Secretary of State Rice at a press briefing Thursday

Washington, D.C. March 21 - In a response to the devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina, President Bush has announced plans to launch a pre-emptive attack on the Caribbean nation of Jamaica, in an effort to prevent further hurricanes. The strike is seen as the first step in a fundamental restructuring of the Caribbean, long a safe haven for radical currents of moist, humid air, and a fertile breeding ground for hurricanes.

At a press briefing on Thursday, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice laid out the case for the strike on the island, saying "as we move into the spring season, there is overwhelming evidence to indicate that Jamaica is beginning to stockpile massive quantities of moist, sultry tropical air, and the threat to the U.S. is growing with every passing day."

The administration asserts that in recent months, the National Weather Service has intercepted "sustained chatter" indicating the possibility of several impending hurricane strikes within the United States. Evidence indicates that the strikes will likely occur during the summer months, and will probably be directed at coastal targets. Richard Head of the NWS insists that this information is specific in nature, and indicates an imminent threat. "This is good, specific intelligence. We now know, for example, that the code name being used for the initial operation begins with the letter 'A.'"

Most experts agree that Jamaica does not have the capability to produce a hurricane on its own. However, the administration contends that the Warm Moisture Deposits believed to be in Jamaica's possession could be handed off to a third party in the region, creating the potential for disaster. Several shadowy cumulonimbus cells are known to be circulating in the South Atlantic, and with the help of Jamaica's WMDs, these cells could produce a hurricane in a matter of days.

Secretary Rice said that intelligence obtained by the administration was strong, and criticized congressional Democrats who have proposed giving Jamaica more time to produce a full accounting of atmospheric conditions.

In a press briefing on Friday, Secretary Rice insisted that if we wait for further evidence, the smoking gun could come, "in the form of a rain cloud."

Critics of the President's plan call it a transparent effort to gain control of Jamaica's vast deposits of jerk sauce, and to divert attention from the President's Doppler surveillance program, which has sparked controversy in Washington in recent weeks. Senator Chuck Schumer called the plan "misdirected", noting that Katrina was actually spawned in the Bahamas, not Jamaica. Schumer contends that the island nation does not pose a significant threat to national security, saying that most Jamaicans are "too stoned to speak proper English, so it's doubtful that they have the expertise to develop a category five storm."

On Friday, Congress will vote on a bill that would require the U.S. to go to the UN Security Council to seek a resolution demanding more transparency from Jamaica. Senator Harry Reid of Nevada urged caution, "let the meteorologists do their work."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Washington, Strike

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