Neanderthal 'Swamp Ape' corporation awarded 'Alligator Alley' concession

Funny story written by John Haughey

Sunday, 11 March 2012

TALLAHASSEE -- The Florida State Legislature on Friday granted the newly recognized Swamp Ape corporate tribe the lucrative I-75 "Alligator Alley" concessions contract, but the Seminole Tribe will be retained to provide labor.

The Seminoles salvaged the labor provision from what had been, for decades, exclusively their contract after it was terminated by the state in the wake of last month's controversial U.S. Supreme Court ruling that Neanderthals are people and, as such, are the first Native Americans.

As part of the ruling, the court assigned power-of-attorney responsibilities for Neanderthals to non-profit corporations created to represent their interests. Attorneys for those corporations then successfully argued that since this same court has determined that corporations are people, the corporations representing Neanderthals are, in fact, also Native Americans.

Within hours of the landmark ruling and subsequent determinations, Swamp Ape, Inc., a Miami-based Neanderthal corporation, filed a bid for the state's I-75 concessions contract, claiming preferential status as a Native American.

The Legislature unanimously approved the contract without comment.

"Yeah. This works," said Genaro "Poochie" Gattalucchi, CEO of Swamp Ape, Inc. "The Indians get the jobs. We get the money. Everybody wins."

Gattalucchi said concessions profits will finance an Everglades preserve for the few remaining and reclusive "Swamp Ape" Neanderthals.

"Their only wish is to live in peaceful seclusion in the most inaccessible corners of the Everglades and never be seen again," Swamp Ape, Inc., Executive Attorney Ruby Ripbaum said.

"And we intend to make sure that happens," Gattalucchi added.

Similar commercial contracts and ventures sponsored by corporations representing Neanderthals -- such as Cascade Big Foot, Inc., in Washington State; the Sequioa Susquach of Northern California, Inc.; and Red River Bigfoot, Inc., in Texas -- have been proposed in at least a dozen state legislatures since the Supreme Court ruling.

The Nevada State Legislature is expected soon to approve a Las Vegas casino contract with Mojave Sandman, Inc., of Brooklyn, N.Y.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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