Breitbart Secret Revealed

Funny story written by waterman

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

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cyborg robot

Shortly before his untimely, and some would say suspicious death, Andrew Breitbart announced that he was making it his mission to do the job that the mainstream media had so miserably failed to do during the 2008 Presidential campaign: the vetting of Barack Obama.

Shortly after his passing, Breitbart's devoted and capable staff announced that they would work diligently to carry out their leader's quest. Today, they embarked on that process with the release of an article titled The Vetting, Part I: Barack's Love Song To Alinski. The article was penned by the conservative journalist just a few days before his death, and it provides incriminating evidence to those who maintain that Mr. Obama's loyalties lie with leftist-activist illuminati who are committed to Communist ideals. However, it covers little new ground, and it certainly is not the bomb-like Obama revelation that Breitbart promised the public during a speech at the recent CPAC conference. There, he said he would soon release a video showing Obama in a light that would alter the course of the 2012 election.

Speculation about the content of Breitbart's secret video has been running wild on right-wing blogs. Meanwhile, the mainstream media have done their best to deflect the public's growing interest in Obama's history, distracting them with wild allegations about conservatives and contraceptives. As one MSNBC media reporter put it, "this is when we are at our best." Although the media distractions seem to be having the intended effect, this is about to change. Through the kind of serious inside investigative journalism that once made 60 Minutes popular, we have learned that this explosive revelation will soon be revealed by the Breitbart team:


And no, he is not a Messiah either. He is in fact a sixth generation cyborg, a robot design originally conceived and engineered in the Soviet Union during the 1980's reign of, and under the oversight of, Premier Yuri Andropov. (So much for the birth certificate)! Andropov was convinced that the destruction of the American system could be achieved, not only (as Kruschev had predicted) without firing a shot, but through the superiority of Soviet technology. After a series of secret meeting with his top political and science advisors, it was decided that USA's republic could be toppled through infiltration of its decision-making institutions, universities, and media by programmed high-tech electro-mechanical beings that, according to Andropov, are "incapable of emotion and rational thought, and therefore, also incapable of betraying our mission."

In an even more explosive revelation, it has been learned that the recent generations of the Communist cyborgs have been built and refined by former soviet scientists and engineers who are now posing as professors at several high profile universities, including Harvard. Interestingly, the President claims to have attended Harvard, but no one has been successful at getting his records released, and no one who attended at the time remembers him. A team of at least twenty-eight co-conspirators have been working assiduously at their respective institutions for more than three decades, producing at least nine versions of four different humanoid models during their tenure. A design team insider told us that Nancy Pelosi is an early 1.0 "straw-man type" cyborg model, whereas the Mr. Obama and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner models are several years newer and have a modest improvement in their processing ability over the Pelosi model. Debbie Wasserman Schultz is the latest and most flexible and feature-laden cyborg (model # 6.9), but her processor actually seems a bit slower than the earlier models, operating at just two instructions per hour. It is not known how many drones in total have actually infiltrated the government. The majority of units released to date are believed to be deployed at NBC and at Columbia University.

The design insider told us that the former Soviet team has made monumental strides in achieving life-likeness in the cyborgs, but that a couple of key human characteristics remain elusive. For example, he said it has been very hard to give a natural quality to the eyes. In fact, the earliest models (e.g. Nancy Pelosi) were constructed without any blinking mechanism whatsoever. In latter releases, engineers opted to address this issue by minimizing the opportunity for eye contact with the cyborg. This is why Geithner never looks at anyone directly. It is also why Obama's head continually rotates from left to right to left, as if he were watching a tennis match, whenever he speaks to the camera or from a podium at a public event. The teleprompters he appears to be glancing at are but a ploy, and of no benefit to the President since his mannerisms, choices of words, intonations, and expressions are all programmed to react dynamically to the moment at hand. Another major challenge to the designer team, one that remains unresolved, is the humanoids' inherent frigid, haughty Hal-like demeanor. Though attempts to impart a warmer, more sociable and likable personality have so far been fraught with failure, there have been many other intricate design triumphs that have worked flawlessly from the get-go. One of these is the act of finger-pointing, with the head simultaneously tilted slightly back and the lips curled down at the edges. In Mr. Obama's case, this behavior is usually included in a program do-loop that also calls out a command for one of any number of recitations that denigrate and blame Mr. Obama's predecessor, George W. Bush.

Mr. Obama's frequent vacations and golf outings are now known to be diversions that provide opportunities for his controllers to tweak his operating system and to update his database of complaints and excuses. Most of his updates can be done on-the-go with wireless technology, but this has proven problematic for the President's excuse database, as it is so large that it is prone to crash the network.

And now, back to Andrew Breitbart. What exactly does that incendiary video contain? An anonymous source at the Breitbart camp tells us that it is a video of Mr. Obama singing, "Iffff heee could seeeee me now, my grand pa An-dro--pov, he'd be so proud of my achievements, . . . . . .", all the while his jaw mechanism is being oiled by a cyborg mechanic.

Andropov may have had the right idea about how to subvert the American system, but was he right when he assumed the cyborg would not betray his mission? After all, actions do speak louder than words.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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