Chief O'Hara to be Named Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security.

Funny story written by Bernie F. Carlin

Monday, 13 March 2006

image for Chief O'Hara to be Named Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security.
Former Gotham city police chief O'Hara.

After the accidental firing of Department of Homeland Security Deputy Secretary Michael P. Jackson, who is not, as the White House learned yesterday, the same person as musician Michael Jackson, President Bush has announced that he is considering former Gotham City police chief O'Hara for the post.

O'Hara, who served as police chief of Gotham city for several years during the 1960's, is seen by many as a reputable, if somewhat odd, choice. "O'Hara's record of service is excellent" said the President in his announcement. "He is a dedicated public servant with long experience in dealing with threats to the security of our cities". Bush pointed to the numerous high-profile criminals who were put away while O'Hara was chief, as well as noting the many crises which were averted on O'Hara's watch.

O'Hara, who worked as a private security consultant from 1984 until his retirement in 1998, served as police chief in Gotham while the city was being overrun by ludicrous costumed villains, absurdly eccentric criminals, and dangerous maniacs. He developed a close working relationship with police commissioner James Gordon, as well as Gotham's famed superhero, Batman. These men proved so successful at stopping crime in Gotham that a television series was actually made about their efforts, in which character actor Stafford Repp played O'Hara.

The show, called "Batman", showcased the unique crime-fighting methods used by law enforcement in Gotham, methods which have recently been resurrected in that city, as shown in the hit documentary "Batman Begins".

He has a long pedigree in police work, as his grandfather was also a police chief, who was the subject of several Disney documentaries hosted by Mickey Mouse, and his nephew was a Brooklyn policeman instrumental in the capture of famed serial killer Jonathan Brewster.

O'Hara is seen by most as a solid choice for the post, but some question his record. He has not served in decades, and many claim that his success was the result of the efforts of Batman, and, to a lesser degree, Commissioner Gordon. Allegations of incompetence and gullibility have surfaced, and some say O'Hara is a fool who is incapable of catching criminals on his own.

In addition, O'Hara is not a native-born US citizen, although he has had family in the US for over a century and his father worked here for several years, and some feel the post should be given to a natural-born American, for security reasons. O'Hara has had US citizenship since the mid-1950's.

Perhaps the most serious allegation, while not yet directed at O'Hara himself, is that his brother Michael has maintained connections with the Irish Republican Army since the late 1960's. Michael claims he has been confused with another "Michael O'Hara", but the latest evidence seems to indicate that the allegations are true. If this is the case, it could prove a serious stumbling block to former Chief O'Hara's appointment as Deputy Secretary, although he himself does not seem to have any connections with known terrorist organizations.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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