Written by Michael Balton

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

image for Postal Service rescue plan would turn mail carriers into drug runners

Washington, DC - A Congressional panel that's searching for ways to save the crumbling US Postal Service has recommended that the agency increase its profits by becoming the nation's narcotics distribution network.

With the Internet and e-mail devastating its lucrative first-class mail business, the post office needs to either expand into new areas or shut down entirely.

"We originally were debating whether to allow the Postal Service to deliver wine and beer," said subcommittee chairman Jack Rackcall (R-Wyoming). "Then we realized, heck, why stop there when we can get higher?"

To gain support for its controversial plan, the subcommittee has formed a political awareness organization called the Benefits Of Narcotics Group (BONG). Under the proposed Congressional plan, the BONG would replace the Drug Enforcement Administration, which has been losing the war on drugs since 1973.

"After spending some quality time with the BONG, we have concluded that it would be a simple task for the Postal Service to take over drug distribution from coast-to-coast," Rackcall said.

"HBO has already done the research for us. All the Postal Service has to do is deliver. They have the trucks, and we need the bucks."

But testimony heard later by the subcommittee indicated that the post office could have some trouble executing its narcotics distribution plan.

"I don't know if youse gentlemen and ladies understand the idea of territory," testified Vincent Gonaduce, president of the Genco Pura Olive Oil Company. "Think of it as a congressional district, only with cars that blow-up when you try to start them."

Undeterred, Rackcall and his subcommittee are scrambling to find immediate solutions. It's projected that USP will need to layoff 200,000 carriers or do away with Saturday mail delivery, unless additional revenue sources are discovered by the end of the year. Reportedly, 11 million vicious dogs have begun investigating new ways to spend their weekends.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
86 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more