Written by Fergus McCarthy

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

image for Carpenter evicts 12 families of African immigrants in one day
No planning permission.

A self-unemployed carpenter from the Irish Midlands has been condemned, castigated and called a callous c-unit for heartlessly evicting twelve families of African immigrants from their temporary accommodation.

The families, believed to be from South Africa had arrived in Ireland in late March without either passports or valid visa's and set up what can only be described as a makeshift shanty town on the outside of the man's house and garage.

"I didn't really mind that much when the first ones arrived but they just seemed to take advantage of my good nature and generous disposition " the hard bitten bastard opined.

"When the first one started building on the gable end of the house without any sort of planning permission I tried stopping them by throwing little pebbles at them, more like gravel really, I didn't want to damage the soffit and fascia, but it didn't stop them. I considered using the nail gun on them, not the big one, just the finishing gun, but the wife and kids went mad calling me 'cruel' and and 'A big meany.'

As the weeks went by however, more and more families arrived and started building adding to the tradesman's frustration.

"The bastards were everywhere! On the porch, under the window ledges! Fucking everywhere!

Literally! A couple of months later the population had more than trebled and that's when I realised that they'd been shagging all summer, under my roof!! I complained to the council about them citing the fact that they don't have planning permission, electricity or running water and even wrote a letter to the Health and Safety Authority with photographic evidence of residential construction being carried out without proper scaffolding or toilet facilities but they just laughed at me."

At his wit's end he even complained to the local Gardai about harassment and how 'Snuggles' the family cat was afraid to step outside the door because they kept dive bombing him but was told to go home and stop wasting their time.

"They said they'd arrest me for wasting Police time! Me! Useless bastard's. I told them that they'd be better off out there catching the real criminals rather than setting up checkpoints and catching people for having no tax on their cars and shit like that but he just told me to 'Fuck off.' and closed the hatch"

Eventually the man felt that he had no other option but to take the law into his own hands, taking a ladder and a scraper he cold-bloodedly removed the tenements from his property amid howls of protests from Travellers action groups, Anti Racism campaigners, his wife and kids and thousands of people on twitter who have fuck all else to do.

"They can all fuck right off as far as I'm concerned, it's my house, I didn't ask them to build here, it's September and the fuckers are still here.

I need to get this house painted and I'm not doing it in the depths of winter up to my bollocks in snow and ice because the paint will peel and I'll only end up doing it all again next year."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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