Northern Man Handed 10 Year Jail Term For Being Friendly To Strangers In London

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Sunday, 15 May 2011

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Whippet "Spoke to and smiled at people he didn't know."

Now that he's safely behind bars and reporting restrictions on the case have been lifted, it can be revealed that northern man, Eric Whippet, from Bolton near Manchester was sentenced to ten years in prison earlier today at The Old Bailey.

In a horrifying and sickening case, Whippet, stood accused of multiple counts of "Coming down to that London and speaking to people in the street and on the Tube without any national emergency being in place."

Smelling strongly of black pudding and speaking only to confirm his name and address the defendant registered a plea of not guilty, before appearing for the crown, Justin Bulstrode QC, outlined the charges.

As the packed and hushed court heard the horrific catalogue of evidence presented by the bewigged advocate you could have heard a pin drop. Shocked officials listened to how Whippet greeted one man, "Eh oop, Cock, lovely day like," whilst smiling at two women and saying "Hello missus," to a third.

One juror had to be replaced as she collapsed from shock of it all. The stricken woman had to be rushed to St Thomas's Hospital where thankfully now she is out of danger.

The serial offender was brought to book after Police switchboards had been swamped for weeks by reports from all over the West End that there was somebody acting suspiciously in and around the capital. In an elaborate sting operation and oblivious to the personal danger he was exposing himself to, PC Alan Scum, posed as an ordinary traveler on the Central Line, a well known haunt of Whippet, for months without any success. Then just as The Met were about to pull the plug on the operation, the ruthless flat-capped pigeon-fancying manifestation of evil said to PC Scum , "No, no. After you mate, please go ahead," before standing back to let the brave officer off at Oxford Circus one day.

"Soon as he did that I knew we had our man," said PC Scum. "We need to keep this kind of evil off our streets and it's good to know that at least for another five years people won't have to deal with him again."

Alan Bennett wasn't available for comment but Roly-poly comic, Peter Kay, said, "That thur Lundun's a shocking place. They'd step over you if you were lying dying in the street."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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