London - A chopper has whisked the newlyweds off to a secret UK location as rumors fly that HM 'is sick as a dog'.
The newlyweds' fortnight aboard Brunei Prince Jefri's yacht 'Tits' is now on the back-burner following Her Maj's nocturnal spasm.
Yesterday the Queen's bright sunshine yellow nuptial outfit belied the pallor of her poker-faced mood.
A series of nosebleeds and bizarre seizures has had royal quacks watching her every bowel movement.
William and Kate were told today to dig out some funerary weeds amid fears mount for an imminent RIP.
"She could pop her clogs at any minute," the Palace's Lord Chamberlain said today.
"Actually, that may be no bad thing considering she's fulfilled the Third Secret of Fatima by turning the monarchy into a global farce."
Prince Philip is 109.