Ordinary bloke ridiculed for growing his nails

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 22 November 2010

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Christina was distraught at her husband's nail biting

For thirty-five years, Tony Hawton of Bridlington had been a nail biter. However, his wife of ten years had finally had enough and told him to stop.

"I was quite shocked," said Hawton. "She said she was just fed up to the back teeth with my auto-cannibalism. She said I had to stop biting my nails, or she would leave. I've been biting them since I was at least three, possibly sooner, if I had teeth back then."

"I love him dearly," said Christina Hawton. "He's caring, considerate, good with our kids. But every time he bit his nails, it would go right through me. It made me feel sick. I'm a manicurist, and the thought of him sat there chewing his nails off, and then worse, picking his teeth with the bits...eugh."

Tony found it quite difficult to stop biting his nails, and was forced to turn to an application normally given to children. All was fine, until he discovered he didn't know how to cut his nails properly, as the application has strengthened them.

"At first it wasn't a problem," Tony said. "Soon though, my nails were these gorgeous long talons. I was proper proud of them."

Tony's friends down the Hare and Hounds found Tony's new look somewhat disquieting.

"It makes him look like a queer," said transgendered, homophobic friend Stephanie Giles. "His nails look better than mine!"

"I can't help but feel he's going to want to scratch them down my back during an intense homesexual encounter," said Neil Marks, an old school friend. "It makes me shudder."

Christina has only ever done women's nails, and her attempts to make Tony's nails more manageable only succeeded in making the problem worse.

"I don't really suit plum," said Tony, showing off his nails. "But this coral is rather fetching, isn't it?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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