Scientists who have been studying metal maniac Ozzy Osbourne's DNA, have today announced that, as suspected by many, he is ,in fact, a Neanderthal. Test results have concluded that 94% of his DNA is Neanderthal. The remaining 6% being of early West Midlands origin. He is also said to be a distant relative of Jesse James, Tsar Nicholas II, King George I and Cherie Blair.
A leading geneticist, Dr Lance Chromosome, said "Since we tested Ozzy's DNA, many other celebrities have come forward and asked us to establish their ancestry. The results have been fascinating. Wayne Rooney's DNA matches that commonly found in most root vegetables. Simon Cowell's great great great great great grandfather is believed to have been a rattlesnake. Louis Walsh is descended from garden gnomes and, as far as we can make out, Cheryl Cole's ancestors were unemployed layabouts from the north east of England.
Now we are waiting on the test result for Prince Harry, but that one seems to be taking a little longer".