Brazen Lithuanian squatters occupy another house.

Written by Sidney Bollocks

Thursday, 23 September 2010


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Brazen Lithuanian squatters occupy another house.
Lithuanians are hard to spot.

In a disturbing new trend, Lithuanian squatters are moving into people's houses while they are out.

Having just arrived in the UK and deciding that they can't wait the usual 24 hours to be housed by a local council, the Lithuanians are heading for large towns and cities and staking out houses to see when the owners go out. They then pick the door lock, gain entrance and call a locksmith to have new locks fitted. When the owners return, they find their key no longer opens the door and their house is now occupied by six Lithuanian families.

When the police are contacted, they are powerless to remove the squatters without a court order, which can take weeks or months to obtain. PC Baz Niggerbaiter of the Met said "This is a civil matter and we have no powers to intervene. Sure, we'd love to get in there and beat seven shades of shit out of them, but this ain't the 1980s anymore".

One victim, Audrey Dogger, 76, was in her back garden hanging her washing on the line. She was only out of the house for 10 minutes and now has 36 sitting tennants who have claimed their inalienable human right to live where they wish. Ms Dogger has been advised it could take a considerable period of time, and several thousand pounds in legal fees, before she regains her house. When asked what she thought of the situation, Ms Dogger replied "They are just foreign fucking sponging cunts".

Another victim, Daily Sport reader Alf Frotterist, described how his house was possessed by squatters. He said "I was on the shitter with one of me jizz mags when I heard the front door go. I was so close to the money shot that I just kept going. By the time I'd cleaned meself up and hidden the jizz mag back in the cistern, the bastards had already settled in, were redecorating the front room and looking in the Ikea catalogue for some new curtains. They phoned the police and I was arrested for trespassing in me own fucking house. They even got an injunction which stops me from going within 100 yards of the place. Cunts".

When the local council were contacted for a comment, the phone was answered by somebody with a heavy Lithuanian accent and very poor English. He did, however, manage to ask if we knew where he could buy some 10 year old girls.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more