Hunt For Missing Oxfordshire Man Continues

Funny story written by Nick Hobbs

Sunday, 22 August 2010

image for Hunt For Missing Oxfordshire Man Continues
A man flipping out, yesterday.

An Oxfordshire man is on the run this evening after brutally leaving his wife to stew alone at home after a string of viscous attacks.

Police and family members are desperately looking for Trevor Beagle, 47. He was last seen by his wife Susan fleeing their family home in Abingdon at around 8:30pm.

Mrs. Beagle is said to be receiving counselling after Mr. Beagle went 'mad' and left a trail of hurtful attacks throughout their home.

"Things started in the bedroom in the morning," said cheif investigator D.I Pilsner "Trevor appears to have viscously refused to make the bed when he got up. He then stood in full view of his wife and fumbled with his 'crown-jewels', adjusting them for a more comfortable fit,"

"After several attempts by his wife to avert a situation, Mr Beagle then left for the bathroom. Once there he refused to shower, he left the cap off the toothpaste and then proceeded to pee on the toilet seat and then put it up!"

It is thought that all the while Mr Beagle was belching and scratching himself.

Mrs Beagle was at her wits end, and at this point suggested Trevor should 'fix that shelving' which had been neglected for some weeks.

"We believe Trevor flipped at this point," continued Pilsner "he immediately went down to the kitchen where he left the top open on the cereal, spilt milk on the table and left a used teabag in the sink."

"It's also thought that he was barbarically slurping his tea all the while, something he knows really annoys his wife!"

Things seemed to calm down for a while as Trevor settled down to watch the match, but it was only a moments respite.

"From eyewitness reports we think Susan asked Trevor to get his feet off the coffee table. At this point the suspect lost it completely," continued the good detective.

"He stood up and didn't plump his cushion. He left two beer cans on the table, but didn't use a coaster and he left the room without turning the television off. He then marched out to the garden, kicking his slippers untidily into the hallway and not stepping into his trainers properly!"

Once outside, neighbours heard shouting. Beryl Dobbs, 87, told us "there was all sorts of language being used. Turned the air blue, it did"

"I saw Trevor pull out the garden hose to water the plants, and when he finished he just left the coil lying there, didn't make one attempt to wind it back up!" she continued.

"I also clearly saw him flick a cigarette butt onto the lawn, and they have an ashtray on the patio table just yards away from where he was stood!"

Neighbour Victor Cameron, 62, told us "I could see this getting out of hand, so I called the police. The couple were still arguing when they moved back inside."

Trevor is believed at this point to have walked mud back through the house.

After her husband refused to help with the dinner, and left a strong smell in the toilet, Mrs Beagle finally broke down.

"Trevor was last seen leaving his house," said D I Pilsner "he left his wife in quite a state, and we believe his parting words were 'I'm off to the pub'. We really don't know which one though."

"I just want my husband back," said a distraught Mrs Beagle, "there's a problem with the patio lights, and we really need that painting put up before my mother comes for tea tomorrow."

Anyone who has information relating to the missing person should contact their local police station.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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