Just when you thought they were all under sedation one slips under the net. Yes, Ms Teresa May has escaped again and announced yet another classic 'why-bother-to-even-work-it-out-scheme'!
With more than a passing nod, or in her case, re-occuring Saint Vitus Dance-Teresa has given the go-ahead to a new law allowing Greater Manchester Health Chiefs to set a minimum price for booze which will cut excess boozing in the entire area..........in her dreams!
Under the proposed law a six-pack of lager would cost at least £6 and a bottle of wine £4.50....a real deterrent there then.
Local small shopkeepers are up in arms over the news, Abhilasha Mukba, 'lash' to his mates, spokesperson for the small Asian businessman-you must not be over 5 foot high to join-told us, "Its bloody silly law man, who does this woman think she is kidding Mr Hitler, it will be ruination of small shopkeeper we depending on under age pissheads for a living how will they be able to afford our inflated small shopkeeper prices such as we charging!"
However, a 'spokesthing' for underage pissheads; a Mr Tad Pohl, 13, calmed the situation briefly when he said; "loada bollocks innit, me bruvvers mate, Dick Rashe, 17, is one of dem 'undred fousand yoofs' on the incapacity benefit like, he's pulling over 90 nicker a week for laying in bed all day. Told the feckin' doctor he had re-occuring sores on his arse so he can't work, all bollocks really.But wiv that amount of dosh comin' in £6 ain't gonna stop him getting booze for me and me mates and himself, no feckin' way man!"
At that point, Mr Abhilasha Mukba-'lash' to his mates interrupted; "Well ok then, provided you still come to shop, but if sales drop I will shut store and go over the border to sell cheap booze. Better still, I am seeing old Robert Mitchums movie on C4 last night, "Thundering Road" cor blimey brilLiant and give me idea.Brother-in-Law in Southall brewing cheap booze in garage, he could run me up a few crates on his old truck overnight on M1, then I sell at new, inflated price to unsuspecting pissheads, very good, yes please and goodnight all" With that Lash waddled off to his local Tandoori, "Up Yer Kyber Pass" for a cheap Curry, Cobra and chips and to work out potential profit margins.
Last but not least, a spokesperson for Tesco Mr Willie Stroker said; "We at Tesco are delighted at the prospect of putting our prices up, under this law it will actually be legitimate for a change, so any addition profit will do very nicely, or as we at Tesco say, 'every little helps'!"
Kay Burely has cleaned our her loft and is stocking up with BOGOF booze deals from her local Waitrose Supermarket!
