Ian Huntley Execution Plea Lodged

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 31 July 2010

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Electric chair? Barber's chair, more likely

Soham murderer Ian Huntley, who killed the innocent little schoolgirls Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman, has told guards at Frankland Prison he should be executed, after he was attacked by an inmate.

The 36-year-old former school caretaker's throat was slashed at the County Durham jail in March.

Huntley, who murdered the 10-year-olds in 2002, told an officer that he deserves to die after the horrible things he had done. He allegedly said:

"I am a sick man. What I did to those poor sweet little girls was the most depraved thing anyone could have done. I should have my insides cut out whilst I am still conscious, and fed to me on a bed of rice.

"Failing that," he added, "I should be placed in a vat of excrement, with a weight attached to my ankles, and left to slowly drown. Or, as another alternative, I should be strapped to a large rack, naked, and daubed with sweet and sour sauce. A colony of killer ants could then be let loose in my immediate vicinity, whereupon they would devour me over a period of days.

"To be honest," said Huntley, "even these would be too good for me, and I have been sitting in my cell, wracking my brains trying to think of a punishment suitable for the gross crimes I visited upon the two girls. I came up with this: A man, armed with a sawn-off shotgun, places its barrel ten centimetres from my testicles, and, on a given signal, gently squeezes the trigger. As my balls disappear through my back, he lets go with another volley of shots, this time into my face, which is then transformed into a melted blob of skin and bone. By this time, my brain would have stopped functioning normally, but just to make sure the job is done properly, another man then cuts my midriff open with a razor-sharp machete, spilling all of my vital organs over the ground, and tramples them, as if wiping his feet before entering a friends' house."

But a Ministry of Justice spokesman said that none of Huntley's suggestions were likely to be taken on board. The spokesman said:

"We're really going to show Huntley the error of his ways. He's going to stay locked-up in Frankland for a good deal longer yet, eating three square meals a day, playing on the internet, watching EastEnders, and taking regular exercise ready for his release, which, one day, will eventually come to pass."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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