The G20 summit in Canada has one pressing item on its agenda: The End of the World!
France and Italy are already over the precipice to oblivion. Britain is perched precariously on the edge of doom.
Reasons are being sought for these disasters. The Euro is blamed by some, whilst others see the Vuvuzelas as the heart of the problem.
Inside the English camp your intrepid correspondent risked everything to try and find out more about the great South African mystery.
Mafia boss, England manager, suggested (I think) that Italy's problems were due to him not being their manager. France was seen as undisciplined. Britain, barely alive, he feared may soon succumb (or may have said suck bum).
'We have too much aggrevation' said England star Mickey Rooney 'You can't expect us to go on for ever playing under the intense pressure we get from our partners wanting more and more.'
John Terry, who has now withdrawn from the World Boxing fight against Capello, confirmed that girl friends were the cause of much of the trouble experienced by European footballers. 'You can't expect us to be without a good fuck for too long. We are only human.'
Rumours that England will be staging the World Cup after next, in 2018, have given new spirit to the team.
'We can have a total balls up in 2014' explained England's former goalkeeper Rob Green 'and we will still qualify for the 2018 World Cup as host nation.'
Green will not need to worry as he has already launched himself into a new career as a market gardener. 'I've got natural green fingers' he demonstrated to me as he accidentally dropped his glass of ale all over my trousers.
With all these European troubles U.S. President Barrack Obama is quietly confident that America is now set for World power.
