England supporters heading for Sunday's World Cup showdown with Germany in Bloemfontein have been advised against singing the traditional Two World Wars And One World Cup song to the tune of The Camptown Races by the the Football Hooligan Federation. (FHF)
"It's a bit below the belt," David "Mad Dave" Tourette of the FHF told our man. "Plus they've heard it before, so it kind of lacks a cutting edge these days. We need to think up some new songs, like Red Army, or Get Back In Your Bunker, or Where Were You At Stalingrad? We need a new angle. The Two World Wars And One World Cup song has been done to death."
It's thought that some of the country's finest hooligan songwriters have been sharpening their quills ever since the England v Germany fixture was confirmed.
Millwall hooligan fan songwriter, Sid Kent - who was once mistaken for Superman's alter-ego at a Las Vegas comic convention told us:
"I've been toying with the idea of something based on Sham 69's Hersham Boys - so far I've got: "Sausage boys, sausage boys, high heeled boots and haemorrhoids..."
In a somewhat less creative vein, Notts County fan Freddie Bulsara came up with - You Can Stick Your Wiener Schnitzel Up Your Arse, and the woeful Sauerkraut Is Fucking Shit.
(The latter to the tune of Bread Of Heaven)
Whether these chants will ever be heard over the constant bastard beehive buzzing of the vuvuzelas remains to be seen.
Maybe it's much ado about nothing.
More as we get it. As you like it.