This time last year, the English resort town of Frigghall On Sea was just another faded seaside ghetto full of junkies, winos, and glue sniffers, wandering about among boarded up shops and abandoned fairgrounds.
But this year, thanks to global warming, volcanic ash, the high price of the Euro and the generally crap standard of Parisian hotels, Frigghall On Sea finds itself at the forefront of a British seaside rennaissance.
Like Hastings and Blackpool.
Only more popular.
Following a massive urban regeneration programme, Frigghall On Sea is reporting a 700% increase in tourism.
Mayor Sully Birdkrapp explains:
"We were going nowhere fast," he admitted. "Frigghall On Sea was virtually washed up, and we knew we had to act, and act fast. So I got a couple of the lads from the council depot to put a lick of paint on the Bandstand in Sweet'N'Sour Park, we got a grant to renovate Otto's Erection, that's the sculpture folly built by German immigrant welder Otto Van Klemper in 1876, and we booked Cannon And Ball for a season at The Playhouse. Hey presto! Bob's your uncle! We're in business now! We're really cooking!"
Entertainment Officer Warren Eejit told us that he was proud and honoured to have booked Northern comedy duo Cannon And Ball to do a season at the Playhouse.
"We'll have the whole town wearing red braces and shouting 'Rock On Tommy!' before the year's out! It's a real coup! And we're only paying 'em frigging peanuts! Trouble is, we had a real job on trying to talk Jim Bowen out of coming too. He's so bloody persistent. We told him we didn't want him but he kept telling us to take our time and think about a bit of bully. Eventually we had to put a call bar on his number, block his E-mails and literally tell him to 'Fuck Off' and we pray that's the end of it."
Council chiefs also pointed to the opening of a new fish and chip shop, a kebab shop cum pizzeria, and a coin-operated tanning salon as tangible indicators of the town's economic upturn.
One local told us:
"Tanning salon's a good idea. It usually just pisses down so all the lasses have corned beef legs. Be nice to see some brown legs for a change."
It seems that Frigghall On Sea is booming under the new coalition government. Thanks to Super Dave and Nifty Nick.
More as we get it.
