Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott today announced that he is to retire from politics to forge a new career as a celebrity chef.
Prescott told a hushed and empty House of Commons:
"Ever since I bought a burger van three weeks ago, I have dreamed of making this life-changing decision. I have built the business single-handedly with the help of too many people to mention and I am very proud of the fact that my burger van now has three Michelin tyres."
Prescott has signed an exclusive £1 deal over five years with The Adult Channel to present a late-night topless cookery show.
This reporter understands that the working title for the new two-part series is: "101 things you can do with your chipolata."
"My cookery is a reflection of my character and politics - good, honest, straightforward, simple, greasy, hard to digest and hated by millions," said Prescott.
The shows will be recorded before a live studio audience armed with rotten eggs.
"There will be no punches pulled," said Prescott.
The show will be co-hosted by Margaret Beckett and Janet Street-Porter, who will appear under the stage-name of Two Bags.
Commenting on Prescott's retirement, Prime Minister Golden Brown paid a glowing tribute to his former colleague:
"I hope he sets fire to his bollocks".
