Adrian Chiles woke up this morning nursing the mother of all hangovers trying to work out exactly what had happened the previous night.
'It's a mystery' he said 'I was having a very pleasant evening in the company of who I believed was a beautiful woman named Christine. We were cuddling up on a sofa together presenting the One Show and she was laughing hysterically at my crap jokes. We touched each other in a playful manner and she played with her hair as she gave me several cheeky smiles. Then after the show in the green room we cracked open the champagne with this ginger haired bloke called Chris who insisted on pouring as much drink down my neck as possible.'
'After that I vaguely remember getting into a cab with Chris, Christine and some other bloke called Frank I think, and stumbling into a club called Boujis. This Chris bloke slipped some powder in to my drink then left me alone in the company of this woman who I seriously believed was named Christine.'
'Anyway, I don't have a clue what happened after that but when I woke up this morning and opened my eyes I couldn't understand why the curtains were tartan and why there was a picture of Susan Boyle on the wall.'
'I suddenly heard snoring next to me and for a split second I thought I was at last living my dream of being with the beautiful Christine.'
'Had we ravished each other in the back of a cab as we made our way to her apartment? As we ripped each other's clothes off was she screaming at me to take her as she tugged at my Boing Boing Baggies West Brom boxer shorts? Did we make love all night? Then after we were both exhausted, lying in a pool of sweat and seminal fluid, did she utter those four words. 'I love you Frank, er sorry I mean Adrian?''
'Alas, how wrong I was. I was physically sick as I looked round and thought I'd spent the night with Linda Blair out of the Exorcist. But I felt ten times worse when I realized the head on the pillow next to me was none other than Lorraine bloody Kelly's from GMTV. And to make matters worse I had signed some legally binding contract saying that I would have to spend the next four years of my life waking up with her every morning.'
'That's the worst case of beer goggles I've ever had. I'll be having words with that Chris bloke, he's stitched me up good and proper.'
