Nessy (known outside Bonnie Scotland as The Loch Ness Monster) has been kidnapped, or rather 'Nessynapped'. Nessy disappeared from the Loch in the early hours of Monday morning.
A busload of Nessy fanatics arrived at the Loch at approximately 8:00 a.m., cameras around their necks, zoom lenses at the ready. They piled off the coach only to be greeted by Nessy Minder, Dennis Waterman.
Dennis nervously flashed his new(ish) 'choppers' at the group. Beads of sweat appeared on his forehead as he explained that he had arrived at work at 6:00 p.m. to get Nessy ready for his admirers, only to find drag marks leading from the Loch. He followed the tracks to a patch of heather which appeared to have tyre marks running through it. They were deeper than normal, causing Dennis to believe that Nessy had been loaded into a vehicle, "Musta been a bleeding big van," Waterman said, stating the bleeding obvious.
One of the crowd asked if a ransom note had been found. Dennis pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, not thinking of fingerprints or the like. You'd have thought he would've picked up some tips being in "Old Tricks" wouldn't you?
He read the note aloud to the crowd:
"To whomever it concerns. We have Nessy. He will be safely returned to the Loch if you send us Susan Boyle's autograph. Please don't call in the police because we are in enough trouble already. Call the following number at 12:00 noon and a pick up point will be arranged:
Tel: 666 666 6660 and ask for the Bobbsey Twins."
Dennis calmed down the crowd and told them not to worry, not to breath a word to anyone and he would deal with the Nessynapping. He told them he had contacts in the business and it wouldn't be a problem getting Susan's autograph.
The crowd boarded the coach and promised to wait for further news from Dennis. Dennis got on his 'mobile' to call his mates Allun and James for advice.
Further information will be released as the story develops.
