Written by Joe Dent

Tuesday, 30 November 2004

image for Blunkett Forgiven For Everything
Saint Blunkett?

Home secretary David Blunkett has been forgiven all his sins by Pope John Paul II after he repaid Parliament for a train ticket he gave ex-lover Kimberly Quinn.

The Pope, currently auditioning for World Pop Idols For Jesus, announced that the member of parliament for Nooky would now be guaranteed a place in heaven beside Cliff Richard and possibly Bono.

It was also hinted at by the Vatican that Mr Blunkett could be canonised at some point in the future. Sources close to his Holiness said that such magnanimity should not go unrewarded.

When news of Mr Blunkett's action reached Mrs Quinn, who is in hospital with publicity stress, she immediately began to feel much better. A senior doctor told reporters that Mrs Quinn felt a warm glow suffuse her body, as if she had been touched by something good and holy.

Similar reports of "good vibrations" have been flooding in from around the world. A Mr H Windsor of London has been cured of his alcohol addiction and violent tendencies. A Mr R Kilroy-Silk of Birmingham is no longer an irritating bastard. And a Mr R Williams of Stoke-on-Trent is said to have finally pulled his head out of his own arse.

Dignitaries around world have been praising Mr Blunkett for his decision.

Kofi Annan, Secretary-General of the United Nations said that Mr Blunkett's act was "monumental."

Albert Einstein's brain, currently on a world tour, telepathically told journalists that Mr Blunkett's brain should be carefully studied after his death.

William Shakespeare, great great great great great great great great great great relative of the great playwright said, "My great great great great great great great great great great relative would no doubt have written a play about the man."

Lord God Geldof, saint, demanded a Nobel prize be given to the philandering MP. "Give him the prize!"

Bob the Builder, who is currently in talks with Martin Scorsese about a possible movie, said of Mr Blunkett, "Could he fix it? Yes, he could!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Parliament, Pope

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