Area 52, AZ - Thought to have been abolished in 1641 by the Long Parliment, rumors have reached us that the Council of the Star Chamber has been revived in modern times. This ace reporter was sent to London recently to investigate.
Star Chamber sessions are normally held in secret and closed to the public, but this reporter was granted special permission to witness the trial of one LeRetard who is charged with the morally reprehensible crime of being without a sense of humour.
Rather than the usual star motif, the Chamber on this occasion was decorated with pictures of rats, symbolizing the lowest form of human life -- a humourless spy. Members of the jury were dressed in purple robes with coordinating scarves. They are thought to be members of a well-known humour site dedicated to the singer Susan Boyle. The hapless LeRetard wore a red scarf.
Evidence can only be presented in written form before a Star Chamber session, and after examining the writings of LeRetard, the jury quickly delivered a guilty verdict and recommended the punishment of beheading at the Tower of London.
Thousands of Londoners turned out on a bright sunny day for the beheading. A festive atmosphere prevailed with food vendors and strolling minstrels. "Death to the Humourless One!" the crowd chanted over and over. The identity of the Executioner was concealed by a purple hood rather than the traditional black. LeRetard was dragged to the chopping block screaming, "But I am funny, really I am. Save me and I will make you a tribute video." And then the axe.
Tradition dictates that a severed head be parboiled, coated with tar (to prevent the gulls from pecking at it)and then placed on a pole along London Bridge for display. The head is eventually tossed into the Thames.
Said the severed head, "#%$&*@?!"