In a twist of divine intervention, an identity thief got a little more than he bargained for this week.
Carl Blimp, 36 of Cheshire, had been stealing people's identities since 2004. It is believed he has stolen over £32,000 in this time, through cloning bank cards and setting up false direct debits for various goods and services to people's bank account's.
However, on Monday he decided to start using the cloned details of a Mr Falkirk of Woking. This would prove to be a huge mistake.
In assuming the identity of Mr Falkirk, Blimp has now inherited over £72,000 in debts, a failing marriage to an alcoholic, peanut loving, devoutly Roman-Catholic, domineering matriarch, an affair with a psychotic, Welsh, obese Miss. Whiplash, a dead end job working in a paper factory sweeping floors and an accute allergy to peanuts, large spaces and bee stings.
Mr Falkirk told us "I'm bloody ecstatic! I feel like I've won the lottery! I was honestly considering suicide, then this Blimp fellow stole my identity. He's welcome to it. It's my chance to start over. Good luck to him. Asshole!"
Blimp told us "I've learnt the error of my ways, I wish I hadn't started this. Stealing identities can be really dangerous, you just never know who you're gonna get! Get me outta here, please, you gotta help me, for the love of God!"
But God won't help, "I did it, O.K I admit it," He told us, "just swapped their lives, felt like having a little fun, thieving little shit. Serves him right!"
We called round to Blimp's later on, to tell him what God had said, but he was unavailable for comment as he was busy washing up and doing the rest of his chores, before his 13 hour shift for £3.57 an hour.
And to all identity thieves everywhere, may your earholes turn to arseholes and shit stream down your shoulders. Bastards.
