As we like to feature prominent personalities from time to time, this week we thought we'd invite Inspector Grim of the Gasforth C.I.D. Grim is a well known and outspoken member of the Todgers, a secret society with rather interesting initiations.
We put it to him that the Great Britain Olympic Team had achieved the best results of any GB team since 1924. He was unconvinced.
"Most of the time I never saw the games because our telly is the one at our local. Every time we were about to leave it's the same thing...I said come on Tina! She said I'll be down in a minute. I said be down in a minute. She said wait in the car...I said I'll wait in the car....she said you wait in the car....IT DRAGS YOU DOWN!!"
What was she doing? "DOING? She was putting mascara on her follicles and powder on her tenticles, It drives you spare I can tell you!"
Okay, that aside didn't the Great British Team do well? "I'm not someone who subscribes to that theory. Bunch of posers prancing about expecting all of us to donate a testicle to science in gratitude."
But surely 30 medals, 9 golds......"Bunch of Hoity Toity stick it up your nighty, decafenated sun ripened tomatoes.... namby pamby fruit coloured la de da ladedas!!"
Inspector Grim surely you're not suggesting that Kelly Holmes and the men's relay team were anything short of superb? I mean they defied the odds man!
"You call that superb? I'll tell you what's superb. Superb is the CID division of the Gasforth Police Force. You won't catch my men in shorts that ride up your crack but they're loyal to a man. Every night I warn them, I say men it's my arse on the line so I don't want any cock ups - that is superb.....not a bunch of Namby Pamby, hoity toity, porridge eating, steroid swilling sundried tomatoes who pass themselves off as athletes!!"
Inspector Grim was there any part of the British performance that you did enjoy? Perhaps the rowing or something else?
"Enjoy that? Paula Radcliffe going on telly for an hour and bawling her eyes out about not knowing why she couldn't carry on and how she felt she let everyone down? I've enjoyed grouting my crows feet more'n I enjoyed that!!"
Well I guess there's no pleasing all the people all of the time. Inspector Grim went on to confirm that he is two kisses on the turkey's backside away from becoming a full Todger - something to look out for.
