Hacker releases Filth Association emails - 'It's all a hoax', correspondence reveals

Funny story written by Helen Tarnation

Thursday, 3 December 2009

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Organic Fertiliser

SURREY - An unidentified hacker has broken into web servers at the Filth Association (FA) and posted thousands of emails and internal documents on a Russian web server. A spokesman for the FA, Britain's premier certifying body for organic crops, did not deny the legitimacy of the documents, and first impressions are that this will completely eclipse the 'ClimateGate' scandal.

'These emails reveal the usual collegial sniping amongst scientists', said Hiram Boodle, an agricultural researcher at Humus University.

'But they reveal much more than that', he added. 'What we see is a concerted effort to concoct blatantly false claims regarding the safety, flavor, productivity, and nutritional content of organic farming and food. In short, the emails reveal that the insiders at the FA know that organic is a complete hoax, run simply for profit at the expense of taxpayers.'

Other documents reveal another side to the story. One accounting spreadsheet reveals government funds directed to activist groups, such as Fiends of the Earth, being redirected to the FA, while FA funds were used to promote public events ostensibly conducted by Greenprice International.

Perhaps most telling of all is the release of computer codes employed by FA researchers to compute the productivity of organic farming. The heavily annotated code has a segment which the author claims is intended to 'hide the decline' in food production on acres converted to organic farming.

'This is an utter travesty', said Lord Belchett, MP. 'After all these laborious years of ripping up genetically modified crops to support organic farming, we find that our cause was nothing but hot air'.

Greenprice International was enraged at the leak.

'These criminal scoundrels of unspeakable depravity, who obviously have little concern for civil behaviour, are merely part of a corporate smear campaign', said Doreen Stabinsquie, a spokesperson for the Amsterdam-based multinational. 'Anything that follows upon such a criminal enterprise must instantly be dismissed'.

Others are not so sure of that, and, if anything, that criminal charges should be levied against the FA instead.

'Such a thorough and obviously successful effort to defraud the public of their grocery money should see these FA insiders in irons', said Lord Monkston. 'What is more, their laundering of public funds for private purposes breathtaking and utterly reprehensible.'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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