Written by Rebut

Friday, 20 August 2004

image for I'm Too Sexy For My Cell
Irene still visits...

Lotto Rapist Iorworth Hoare was married to pen pal Irene Harrison 55 in 1993. The ceremony was delayed for half an hour due to the bride and the prison rottweilers arriving at the same time. A near tragedy was averted when one of the warders spotted that Irene never described herself as black and tan in her letters. Things deteriorated when the dog handlers refused to allow Irene to be removed.

John Pendeler takes up the story : "It wor amazing. We looked at her papers and saw that she was "from Tom" out of Juno. We thought 'the hell with that rapist'. And our instincts were good too. She has won many trophies - Crufts Hurdler 1991, Crufts Dog of the Show 1992 and Dogmore Spayed and Show 1993".

Chief Warden, Shitin Yerhatnpunchit said that it was embaressing enough to have to entertain a wedding with the Lotto Rapist but to then have it descend, if that's possible, into a fight between the groom and those who wanted to groom her for higher things, was beyond belief.

The Chief warned the warring factions that any more of this and he would have Irene put down and nobody would have her.

Thinking back some ten years he admits being annoyed by the fact that it took them more than an hour even then, to back down. "That vet was sweating when I told him to step down they've reached a compromise".

Fortunately Iorworth had recognised her from the number marked accross her forehead. Apparently that was from the time she had been hit by a bus.

Irene today is thinking of divorcing the Lotto Rapist. Running her fingers along the rim of her cauldron she thinks back whistfully to the good old days. "Oooh he were different before he had money. Used to compose little poems and songs just for me".

Was she in love with Hoare? "I was head over hills in love. Every full moon I would fly over the prison hoping he'd catch a glimpse of me against the moon. Then my cat fell off the back of the broom and was ripped to shreds by the Rottweilers in the yard".

How was the wedding day? "It were out of this world. I was that excited that I was smiling through the whole ceremony and Iorworth was so excited".

Jail Chaplain Rev. Anthony Harvey told us : "You think Camilla is a bit rancid? Well cmon Irene, I swear I could scream.....Ugggeerlee!! He was just as bad dressed in those open-necked trousers..."

I remember that to close the ceremony we read one of her letters to him. :

Dear Ior

It are not nice wifout you by moi soide. Each day siems loike a liftime in isself. Rebember absince makes the hert grow fonner.


Note : Irene was the proud recipient of 4 A Levels at this years exams.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Prison, Sexy

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