Police have warned the public to lock their doors and stay vigilant tonight October 31st as it is feared hordes of the undead are prowling the country's streets in search of sexual gratification.
One lady, 71 year old Madge Mingerly, who asked to remain anonymous, spoke of gangs of short but terrifying ghouls beating on doors demanding sexual favours.
"It was awful," she muttered from behind a fortifying gin and tonic. "There were about a dozen of them, all dressed in black with ghastly faces. I heard a knock and opened the door. I wish I never had. There they were, and the one at the very front asked me for a 'dick or teat.' whatever that means. My hearing isn't what it was. I screamed into the horrifying face, slammed the door and shat myself. I could hear a child crying outside. I can only assume that they had caught some poor innocent."
Other reports are coming in of gangs of tiny living dead terrorising the country. The only encouraging sign is that at about 9pm, the smaller monsters started crying and asking for their mummies. Others are reported to be throwing up in gardens after gorging on chocolate and human flesh.
Hopefully they will be back in their graves by dawn, and we can all get back to watching the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix, and going down to the pub for our usual Sunday afternoon piss up.
