Written by Wire Piddle

Sunday, 26 July 2009

image for Simon Cowell To Pay For Alexis Cohen's Funeral

Los Angeles, CA - Simon Cowell has agreed to pay for the funeral of Alexis Cohen, a former contestant on American Idol who became famous more for her rant against the reality game show judge than her actual singing talent.

"Do you think I like the fact that this girl will now only be known as an American Idol reject, her only achievement in 25 years of living? Would you prefer we erase the tapes and pretend that she never existed?" said Mr. Cowell.

"In fact," said Simon, "...I aim to start a trust fund for all American Idol contestants so that, be they rich or be they poor, they will be assured a proper burial when their time comes. It's fairly obvious that a lot of candidates, for want of a better term, usually end up getting buried by our show, never to live the exposure of their false hopes down. It would seem only fitting that, when they take their final bows on God's green earth, that we honor them. For whatever they think of us as a corporate entity or me as a person, we - American Idol - are family."

When asked where the funds would come from to pay for such a trust fund, Mr. Cowell suggested a major retailer of soft drinks would be sponsoring the funerals.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Simon Cowell

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