Armed coup in the UK

Funny story written by matwil

Saturday, 6 June 2009

image for Armed coup in the UK
'Let's send the gits to die for American oil, while we take over Britain'

As decades of 'sleaze' came to the boil this year, and politician after politician was caught stealing taxpayers' money and forced to resign, as Government in Britain became a shambolic farce, as a multi-national bank was allowed to collapse, as British soldiers were dying for American oil, and as British police forces had became more or less invisible, an army was raised in Littlehampton-on-the-Cloud, and marched on Westminster and deposed the Government from the House of Commons.

The army - the New Puritan Army - was made up of decent, honest, hard-working people, heterosexual breadwinners and parents, honest and moralistic men and women, those that actually run the country rather than just sit about talking about it, and getting paid to sit around and talk about it, in between helping themselves to more Government expenses funds.

The Puritans' leader, Gulliver Grimwell, took control of the Palace of Westminster at noon today, and made the following proclamation. 'People of the United Kingdom, we have had enough of our money being stolen by MPs, our taxes being used to fight illegal wars against non-existent threats to us, our Prime Ministers embarrassing us by grovelling to American Presidents, and all as our hospitals and schools need more funding, and less brainwashing about 'gender awareness'. The Second Commonwealth hereby exists, by order of the New Puritan Army.'

And in a surprising move, unlike in a previous very British coup in the 1600s, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth was warmly welcomed by the soldiers, and by the millions of British people who had turned out onto the streets to celebrate.

'We will continue as Head of State of the United Kingdom', she said, 'but now that Parliament is closed we will simply be around in case the new Puritan leader ever gets above himself. Then it's orf wiv 'is 'ead!', to much cheering from the people who had invented modern democracy, but now wanted nothing more to do with it.

And in another return to previous years, hundreds of wooden stocks were brought out of storage and every single former Minister and MP was put in them, and pelted with rotting fruit and eggs by the public. 'This is fun!', shouted the Queen, hitting Gordon Brown with a perfectly-delivered yorker with a piece of swede, 'Rather!, shouted back the Duke of Edinburgh, catching Alastair Darling's skunk fur coat with an ostrich egg, 'must do this more often!'

The IMF said it was 'seriously worried, as the removal of endless millions being wasted on politicians and Parliament might make Britain rich and successful again, and make us have to re-classify the UK as once again the real leader of the free world.'

American President Barack Obama, on permanent holiday in Europe, had nothing of interest to say about anything, as usual, except for hoping that Parliament would open again soon 'to do what we tell it to do'.

Gordon Brown is sacked.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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