HAVANA, Cuba - Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, The Rt Hon. David Miliband, announced today the purchase of the United States Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility by the British Government. The property, in turn, will be leased to a private British leisure company that currently owns and operates holiday camps in Bognor Regis, Minehead and Skegness.
Representative Rory Rich-Buttering III states that the company will develop the site as a getaway for Goth inspired vacationers.
"What with the way the economy is heading, there seems to be a growing interest in Goth with a bent towards S & M and bondage. We intend to keep a lot of the facilities intact. We expect many of the current features, such as waterboarding, interrogation rooms, torture facilities to be studied and somehow developed thematically into our world class amusement rides, with a particular look at drawing our target clientele."
Many of the present inmates of the Guantanamo Bay Facility will be offered employment opportunities such as ticket takers, ride operators as well as food and beverage. Middle Eastern cuisine is expected to be featured.
Inmate Yousef Salaam Ibraham, former Al Qaeda explosives expert, expects to be one of the lucky hires.
"As a former leader of a paramilitary squad, I know the importance of getting people up early in the morning and keeping them motivated throughout the day. I can also scare the begeebers out of people when I want to. Ha..ha..ha..ha."
"I expect these skills to be useful in a Holiday camp setting. And of course most of us are skilled at preparing a nice baby goat simmered in saffron and almonds with a side of couscous. Whether it means keeping them well-fed or off their brains with the use of coal fire heated irons, in the end it is all about super pleasing the client."
Currently the target date for opening Guantanamo World, Cuba, is December 2010 with a ribbon cutting ceremony to be presided over by former U.S. President Dick Cheney, Bo Derek accompanied by a wax effigy of deceased actor Dudley Moore kindly on loan from Madame Tussauds, London.
Entertainer Ken Dodd, a staple of British holiday makers, is expected to perform 'On The Road To Guantanamo Bay,' outfitted in black leather breastplate and pants with a ring through his nostrils and a great steel chain leading to his trouser inseam and attached with a large bobby pin and how he'll get past Heathrow security in that is anybody's guess.
