Essex - (ReUterus & Sordid Ass Mess): An Independent Police Complaints Omission report published today has completely exonerated all suspects in the Michael Barrymore pool death of rent boy Stuart Lubbock and blamed local CID officers for the ensuing shambles.
Lubbock, 69, died mysteriously at the entertainer's home in 2002 after ingesting a heady cocktail of marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine, Dom Perignon Extra Brut NV and Anal Nitrate poppers.
The report noted that 'probable self injusries' to the scrotum, anus and rectum were consistent with high jinx auto-erotic foreplay associated with his solitary bachelor lifestyle.
Items of vital police evidence including a poo (sic) thermometer and a door handle (WTF?) went missing during the probe before appearing mysteriously on an Essex Police eBay account.
A post mortem report blamed conspiracy theory nutters 'hellbent on trashing Barrynore's stellar career' as a crooner.
Jack 'The Hat' McVittie is long dead and gone.
