Written by Rusty

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

image for SATS Test Fiasco Inquiry Board Scratches Head
Albanian SATS Exam Grading Machine

A Ministry of Education inquiry, headed by Lord Dorkbungler, into the chaos affecting the Sats tests taken by school pupils in England this summer can't make its mind up about what went wrong.

Exam' watchdog chief, Dr. Ken Crunt, labelled by the press as the person responsible for the mess, has resigned ahead of Lord Dorkbungler's findings.

Dr Crunt, who headed the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority, quit at the weekend over what he called the 'delivery failure' over the tests, when scores of cartons of unmarked exam papers were discovered being sold as graphic designer wallpaper at a Smegmadale car boot sale by a syndicate of Albanian pikeys.

There is rumoured speculation that the Tirana-based Sats-n-Twats examination grading company who won the bid to score UK school exam papers were responsible for dumping 60% of the unscored SATS returns on a landfill site.

Before the publication of the report into last year's problems, the Sats-n-Twats exam company has been announced as the "preferred bidder" to take over the running of the 2008 tests by Deputy Education Secretary and Smegmadale MP, Kostas Tatswiller, a former Albanian eyeball twister.

Speaking ahead of the inquiry results, the head of the ATL teachers' union, Dr. Chlamydia Twatrot said there needed "to be a complete overhaul of testing methods in English schools where we have the thickest children in Europe striving to achieve a D+ in anything that does not involve video games."

Smegmadale's Asbo Central Headmistress Candida Muffitch told reporters "Lessons must be learned from this year's debacle about the commissioning and delivery of education products and services by foreign-owned private companies such as Sats-n-Twats, whose Albanian grading officers don't even speak English."

The Labour government's Children's Secretary Ed Ballsup has announced the problem will not recur as there will be no further compulsory Sats tests due the deepening recession forcing the school leaving age to be dropped to twelve years old.

Media speculation that a sister company of Sats-n-Twats, specifically the Tirana-based Jobs-4-Knobs employment bureau, will be the preferred bidder for founding a job creation scheme and employment venue for the 12-year-old school leavers, was refuted as an unfounded rumour and 'chaff from the gutter press mill' by Sir Jeremy Ffinch-Pillock, the government's newly-appointed Minister of Denials.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Education, Exams, SATs

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