Boris' "British Spirit" to the fore as 2012 looms

Funny story written by Tom Power

Monday, 25 August 2008

image for Boris' "British Spirit" to the fore as 2012 looms
"Wit and ingenuity": Can't afford fireworks in 2012?

As Great Britain rejoices at securing its largest gold medal haul in a century, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson - surrealist, Matt Lucas impersonator and part-time Mayor of London - has asked that the public call on "a bit of twaditional Bwitish spiwit" in preparation for 2012.

"Listen, we won't be, that is, we can't be, I mean, don't expect us to match the Chinese or, or, or anything, spending-wise," said Mr Johnson.

"I mean, we won't be having the - the sort of fireworks and things that really bwightened up Beijing; but west assured we'll bring some wit and ingenuity to the, the, task, so to speak. And we'll have a bloody good bus system opewating, and that will cost no, no more and no less than, than the other suggested modes of, of twansportation suggested by other, erm, other people, or individuals, or even women for that, for that matter".

Mr Johnson then contrasted himself and Beijing mayor Guo Jinlong, noting "I'm no, I-I-I'm no Jin - Gin Ling - Jou Longging… I mean, Guo Jin… long." At this point, he grinned sheepishly and started to leave the press conference, before being informed it had an hour still to run. "This bloody watch is upside-down," Mr Johnson mumbled self-effacingly, stumbling back to his seat like an animate children's character.

He proceeded to request that Londoners "don't get [their] hopes up, because, [they] know, although I've been, obviously, heavily involved in the planning and development of the 2012 Olympics, or 'Olympiad' as I sometimes call it, things don't always work out one hundwed and ten percent, so just be aware of that".

"This all calls for a bit of traditional Bwitish spiwit; you know, if you think about 2012 as an object for satire, wa-wather than an international sporting spectacle, I'm sure you'll have no complaints or qualms about it," added Mr Johnson.

Finally, the loveable buffoon threw down the gauntlet to the foreign athletes who intended competing in London, reminding the world of Britain's central role in inventing and codifying many modern sports. "The Germans looked at a park and saw an opportunity to build a concentwation camp, whereas, whereas the Bwitish looked at, at a park and saw an opportunity to play cwicket. Which, which isn't an Olympic sport, of course. And if you'll excuse the pun, Moores the pity."

Henry Henry, Beijing, 2008.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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