Home Secretary bans Glitter

Funny story written by Steddyeddy

Friday, 22 August 2008

image for Home Secretary bans Glitter
A more sombre Gary Glitter awaiting re-deportation

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has reacted strongly to the return of Gary Glitter to the UK.

As he made his way through Heathrow following his deportation from Vietnam, Thailand and Hong Kong, a smiling Gary Glitter, clutching the childrens swimwear section of the Next Summer Catalogue, seemed totally unrepentent.

The home secretary has now decided to totally ban Glitter from the public.

While to most of us it may be an innocuous product made from coloured aluminium shavings, the impact on Christmas is bound to be felt by retailers. A spokesman for the Association of Retailers, Jim Shoppe, said:

"I can see where the Home Secretary is coming from - the Home Office. But I think glitter, as a popular craft product used by children, shouldn't need to be banned. Providing they don't rename it paulgadd of course."

Jack Filmstrip of the Association of Cinemas was equally unsure about the ban. He said:

"I will concede that Glitter, starring Maria Carey and released in 2001 was a really crappy movie. I can appreciate that.

"However, I think it is up to the public whether they want to waste their money on seeing it or not. It's not as if they are going to enter the cinema and find their 12 year old child gets fondled by an ageing former pop star. Not even Gary Glitter would be perveted enough to sit through 'Glitter'. Besides, think of all the sales of overly expensive popcorn that could be lost because these two dreadful things, one a popstar, the other a movie, share the same name. I'm not too sure about this at all."

Meanwhile, Jock Dee Jay, spokesman for the Association of Ballrooms said:

"Come on Home Secretary. What are ballrooms now going to call the round mirrored thing hanging from ceilings? A ballroom ball? For heavens sake!

"I know the Glitter Ball was named after the pop star because they're both round, fat and can even be turned on by children, but I mean to say! Blimey!

"This is political correctness gone to far."

The man from the Oxford English Dictionary declined to comment, because the 2009 edition has been printed and they're not going to scrap them over the inclusion of a page of "glitters".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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